Its hard to change the world

It’s been just about 15 months since my husband and I decided to chase my dream, to see how far I can push myself and along the way how much of a positive impact I can make.

I’m not going to lie, it’s been a true roller-coaster. Today I am on day 3 of a long holiday weekend and I feel as burnt out as I have ever felt. I am starting to wonder if I might be slipping into a burnout fueled depression. And it’s really no surprise that I am so burnt out, I went into my blog today and in my drafts found halfhearted starts at entries while I was trying to sort out what was going on.

 

 

 

 

From month 7

This has been one of the more terrible weeks of my life.

No one that I know died, but our health has been poor (I write this from the emergency department waiting room).

My dream job has become a nightmare and I am not sure how to move beyond it or even if I want too.

Two weeks ago we were facing the possibility that Ian might not ever be able to work due to a unusual spinal complication.

Now all I want to do is spend a month taking naps and reading books before starting a new less stressful job in Portland. But the journey from here to there is very unclear and our once wise and responsible choices have me now feeling trapped in a job I am deeply distaining in a community that I feel isolated with a silver lining torn to shreds. The husband I love is stuck in a vicious cycle of illness and our beautiful home is financially strapping me to having a somewhat well-paying job.

To make things worse I think I now have the flu and my drive and capacity to care or make strategic moves is all but gone. I spent the vast majority of my day watching fuller house and wishing I had a super-rich sister or friend I could live with until I had things figured out.

 

 

From month 8

 

In 4 hours I have to talk to the rudest person I know and I am dreading every moment until that time.

 

I am trying to keep myself calm and hoping beyond hope that I walk away feeling better not worse as I am on the edge of quitting as things stand but I really want to make it for the stability it will give us

 

 

 

 

 

Through the bad days so much positive progress is being made, in some ways that makes it bearable and in others its worse. If I was completely failing just giving up and moving on would be so much easier.

By absorbing the pain and putting 110% into making it a positive and impactful work I am making huge strides in the positive direction, those externally see the work required and that we are moving full steam towards the goal, with me happily at the helm. But inside I am dying. The challenges while lessening remain great, the sense that I cannot control the outcome grows.

About a month ago I went on a wonderful Central American vacation that has left me wanting to re-configure my life so that I can spend more time traveling and socially connected.  I know deep down that another year in this life is needed. I have grown so much in the past 15 months that another 12 will make me unrecognizable to the person I was. I just need to find a way to keep the passion on fire.

I do not have a solution, more wanted to post to be a gage marker for myself and perhaps find a reader who is fighting a similar fight and hearing yourself in a stranger can provide you with some relief. 

Things I am trying to get the flame burning bright

-          More Sleep

-          More Coffee – the fancy kind

-          More trips to see loved ones

-          More massage appointments

-          More yoga

 

To my future self and to the occasional reader I leave you with this quote from Leroy Hood

 

Pen and paper journaling

I wake up in the morning feeling as if I am supposed to change the world, make a difference, all the cliché about having a positive impact. And I really feel/ think that. I know I do good things, that in my life I have made a positive impact on thousands of people, helped a handful of natural spaces and made a difference for a few furry friends. Every day I go to work and try to make my community a better place, but its not enough. I am not making a big enough impact. 

I am riddled with common challenges, feeling as if my potential is going un recognised, days that I am burnt out, days I worry about money, times I just want to give up and give into normalcy (or go live in the woods, or become a farmer or a builder or, or,or).

Time and time again I debate with myself about how I get from small impact to doing something that dramatically changes the course for centuries to come. Its not the fame or recognition or riches that I am looking for it is the feeling that I have fulfilled this mission, this purpose that pulls at me and I need to follow.

lower middle class trying to change the world

Not sure how to fully put this into words.

We don't have a lot of "normal" stuff, this allows us to move, travel, waste less and live a fine line between "normal" society and those dedicating their lives to being outside the box in the search of social/ global change. I don't think we are the only late 20's early 30's who are doing this but I know its far from normal.

We had a simple metal bed frame but when it broke we never replaced it, whats wrong with a mattress on the floor?

We opted not to get a sofa, instead we have a tin mattress folded in half inside a "pillow case" that I made with a bed sheet.

Our duplex has a kitchen bar area and Ian inherited bar stools when we first got back stateside and we use that as our table area.

We have only bought trash bags once in the past year. We have bathroom sized waste baskets that we line with shopping bags. Why spend money on plastic to throw away more plastic?

No TV and no cable, but we have a computer and the internet.

No electric coffee maker because we were given a french press first.

No toaster because we were given a toaster oven first.

We recently bought a second car and for the first time in the past 5 of the years we have been together we are not car free or sharing one car.

If the need/ inspiration came tomorrow with one u haul load we could have everything work keeping in a mini self storage unit and be onto our next adventure. To be honest I like it that way.

Is there a part of me that lusts over quality living room sets or four post beds, yes, and some day it might be the right moment to get such things but as we continue to have the need to explore and discover the world they are not important. We can better use our money on travel and education until we win the powerball and even than i might want to live in one of these instead.