discovering the way that I can be the best version of myself

Reflections are written and delayed posting not a reflection of current status, but a window into a past moment.

My tendency towards an unreserved highly passionate approach has a tendency to lead me to careers that consume me.

Over a decade ago one such career crashed and exploded around me in a way that at the time felt like the only option. It took me over two months to recover from that job and in the decade since I have been learning about how to care for myself; while allowing my high passion to continue.

Learning self-care was not instant and is far from over but I have made progress, and that commitment to continued learning is one of the habits leading to my highly passionate approach to discovering the way that I can be the best version of myself.

Things I need to reset:

- Unhindered sleep - no worries about not sleeping, sleeping too much or messing up my sleep schedule

- Quiet time

- Nothing

- Time with my spouse

- A clean house

- A bit of excitement, doing something like trying a new restaurant, going to a new part of town or a visit to the local movie theater

- Some basic exercise light yoga or a short walk

- Netflix and chill

- Going to the doctor and taking the time to focus on my health


With this reset, my balanced self begins to emerge. I know that version of me is arriving when I start to have, interest in reading, crafts, socializing, more intensive exercise, and somewhere in there a desire to create, express, learn, grow, expand and achieve.

Over the past few years, I haven't had enough of post-reset time to truly live as my balanced self.  It has been exciting to be so fully immersed, I thrived under the high demands, my highly passionate approach was thriving. Things began to change. I found that I crave the more balanced version of myself and started to actively exploring how to pull away from the constant demands just enough to give me more recovery time. I committed to going to the doctor and taking the time to focus on my health and have made the appointments. I have been taking PTO, not for any specific reason but because it is important to give me the rest. I am check-in in on myself to ensure I am resetting. I am tracking how long its been since I engaged in things I love like reading and creating. I am learning more about who I am and what I need.

Tomorrow

Reflections are written and delayed posting not a reflection of current status, but a window into a past moment.

Cant do it all

To be a high achiever

or an overachiever

I find that I excel in the face of unimaginable challenges where many before me have faltered and where the stakes are unimaginably high and the oceans continue to rises.



But I do it at a cost

There are weeks that I don't talk to friend and family that I love

There are days where the sun it out and the weather is perfect and I am overwhelmed by the though of leaving my apartment.

It is not depression its just exhaustion.

A deep physical and emotional need to hibernate for a day and to re-charge.

Tomorrow I'll go outside.

Tomorrow I'll call my mom

Tomorrow I'll be ready to take on the evolving humanitarian needs in America.

Its hard to change the world

It’s been just about 15 months since my husband and I decided to chase my dream, to see how far I can push myself and along the way how much of a positive impact I can make.

I’m not going to lie, it’s been a true roller-coaster. Today I am on day 3 of a long holiday weekend and I feel as burnt out as I have ever felt. I am starting to wonder if I might be slipping into a burnout fueled depression. And it’s really no surprise that I am so burnt out, I went into my blog today and in my drafts found halfhearted starts at entries while I was trying to sort out what was going on.

 

 

 

 

From month 7

This has been one of the more terrible weeks of my life.

No one that I know died, but our health has been poor (I write this from the emergency department waiting room).

My dream job has become a nightmare and I am not sure how to move beyond it or even if I want too.

Two weeks ago we were facing the possibility that Ian might not ever be able to work due to a unusual spinal complication.

Now all I want to do is spend a month taking naps and reading books before starting a new less stressful job in Portland. But the journey from here to there is very unclear and our once wise and responsible choices have me now feeling trapped in a job I am deeply distaining in a community that I feel isolated with a silver lining torn to shreds. The husband I love is stuck in a vicious cycle of illness and our beautiful home is financially strapping me to having a somewhat well-paying job.

To make things worse I think I now have the flu and my drive and capacity to care or make strategic moves is all but gone. I spent the vast majority of my day watching fuller house and wishing I had a super-rich sister or friend I could live with until I had things figured out.

 

 

From month 8

 

In 4 hours I have to talk to the rudest person I know and I am dreading every moment until that time.

 

I am trying to keep myself calm and hoping beyond hope that I walk away feeling better not worse as I am on the edge of quitting as things stand but I really want to make it for the stability it will give us

 

 

 

 

 

Through the bad days so much positive progress is being made, in some ways that makes it bearable and in others its worse. If I was completely failing just giving up and moving on would be so much easier.

By absorbing the pain and putting 110% into making it a positive and impactful work I am making huge strides in the positive direction, those externally see the work required and that we are moving full steam towards the goal, with me happily at the helm. But inside I am dying. The challenges while lessening remain great, the sense that I cannot control the outcome grows.

About a month ago I went on a wonderful Central American vacation that has left me wanting to re-configure my life so that I can spend more time traveling and socially connected.  I know deep down that another year in this life is needed. I have grown so much in the past 15 months that another 12 will make me unrecognizable to the person I was. I just need to find a way to keep the passion on fire.

I do not have a solution, more wanted to post to be a gage marker for myself and perhaps find a reader who is fighting a similar fight and hearing yourself in a stranger can provide you with some relief. 

Things I am trying to get the flame burning bright

-          More Sleep

-          More Coffee – the fancy kind

-          More trips to see loved ones

-          More massage appointments

-          More yoga

 

To my future self and to the occasional reader I leave you with this quote from Leroy Hood

 

The Why of Work

The Why of Work by David and Wendy Ulrich.

That question - the Why of Work, is one often easily answered in the non profit sector. Its a calling, a mission, a passion, a heart factor.

As I reflect on the sector and my experience in it all of these hold some truths, but when daily operations, and apathetic employees create poor performance across large portions of the non profit sector the why of work is the ideal question to be exploring.

The Ulrich's did not write the book for the non profit professional, it is aimed at those in upper mid management in a for profit environment, reading and reflecting on it has caused me great insight into ways that the sector struggles and ways that I can move my sphere of influence forward.

The first point that really captured me into the research of this book:
A Saratoga institute study found that 72 percent of employees who quit, leave because they feel they are not being recognized for their contributions or sufficiently respected and coached by their leaders.

- Wow, that is something that is very much in a leaders control. This has direct application to volunteer management and fostering and retaining great non profit employees.

In several of the organizations I have worked in those who had been in functionally the same role within the organization 5 or more years were often apathetic and complacent. In four different organizations I watch, highly talented, mission driven employees leave well before the 5 year mark. These individuals during personal conversations expressed feelings of overworked, taken advantage of, frustration at the lack of recognition and respect they deserved.

My take away from this is that I as a manager need to step up my recognition and coaching. Last year I hand wrote a card to each member of my team and distributed them at the holiday party, thanking them for their service. This year I have already set aside 1.5 hours each week to bring that recognition to the next level, I have set aside a portion of my budget to purchase small appreciation gifts to give with these notes and I plan to include an idea for a new years resolution focused on their development within our organization.

Combine calling with coaching and the potential to retain great members of your non profit workforce will improve.

Volunteer Burn Out

If a fire is left alone and not fed with any new fuel, it will eventually burn itself out. If the fire of your enthusiasm is not being refueled by the satisfaction of your volunteer work, your enthusiasm - just like a fire - will die

The signs we hate to see and the words we hope to never hear are those typed as volunteer burn out.
The best volunteers are usually the ones most prone to burnout. That's because they're so dedicated, they often fail to take mental health breaks or ask for help. And because they're so dedicated, organizations often pile more and more responsibility on them. This is not activity specific, I have seen it happen across every sector I have worked with. I read an interesting study done by an organization that had a suicide help line. While I think most people can easily identify why volunteers on this help line would be prone to burn out, if found that their top 3 reasons for leaving were strikingly similar to those that I see across the volunteer sector.

1. Other demands in the volunteers life took on greater importance.
2. The volunteer did not feel part of a team.
3. Responsibilities and expectations were not clear.

We as volunteer organizations have little control over the number 1 reason, however both 2 and 3 are within our realm of impact.

If you sense a high rate of burn out in your organization start with building a team. Forbes outlines 6 team-building success strategies that not coincidentally address point 3: 

1.       Be Aware of How You Work

As the leader of the team, you must be extremely aware of your leadership style and techniques.   

2.       Get to Know the Rest of the Team

You must make the time to get to know your team and encourage camaraderie.   

3.       Clearly Define Roles & Responsibilities

When you successfully complete step 2, you can then more effectively and clearly define the roles and responsibilities of those on your team.  

4.       Be Proactive with Feedback

 Feedback should be proactive and constant.   Many leaders are prone to wait until a problem occurs before they give feedback.

5.       Acknowledge and Reward

  Take the time to give your teammates the proper accolades they have earned and deserve.   

6.       Always Celebrate Success

 This goes beyond acknowledgment – this is about taking a step-back and reflecting on what you have accomplished and what you have learned throughout the journey.

putting your soul in what you do

I love the non profit sector. I love knowing that day in and day out I am actively engaged in making the world a better place. That said I continue to find myself in situations where I am giving so fully that I burn out, where the support is not built in, where I start to hit walls and don't have the energy to climb them. For over four years and 5 employers (that's not as bad as it sounds) I have contemplated moving into the for profit sector and continually think that I don't want to spend the largest chunk of my time each day not making a difference.

This month I have gone from feeling on top of the world to freaked out about unrealistic expectations to determined to make it work to crashed and thinking that everything I do is for nothing.

and these are the days where I start to think that money and not a better world might be a more realistic way to take my life.

This is simply another account of the document non-profit burn out that our sector faces. Much of mine come from overwhelming expectations so something is away undone with feeling a lack of control over my career mobility and advancement.