Its hard to change the world

It’s been just about 15 months since my husband and I decided to chase my dream, to see how far I can push myself and along the way how much of a positive impact I can make.

I’m not going to lie, it’s been a true roller-coaster. Today I am on day 3 of a long holiday weekend and I feel as burnt out as I have ever felt. I am starting to wonder if I might be slipping into a burnout fueled depression. And it’s really no surprise that I am so burnt out, I went into my blog today and in my drafts found halfhearted starts at entries while I was trying to sort out what was going on.

 

 

 

 

From month 7

This has been one of the more terrible weeks of my life.

No one that I know died, but our health has been poor (I write this from the emergency department waiting room).

My dream job has become a nightmare and I am not sure how to move beyond it or even if I want too.

Two weeks ago we were facing the possibility that Ian might not ever be able to work due to a unusual spinal complication.

Now all I want to do is spend a month taking naps and reading books before starting a new less stressful job in Portland. But the journey from here to there is very unclear and our once wise and responsible choices have me now feeling trapped in a job I am deeply distaining in a community that I feel isolated with a silver lining torn to shreds. The husband I love is stuck in a vicious cycle of illness and our beautiful home is financially strapping me to having a somewhat well-paying job.

To make things worse I think I now have the flu and my drive and capacity to care or make strategic moves is all but gone. I spent the vast majority of my day watching fuller house and wishing I had a super-rich sister or friend I could live with until I had things figured out.

 

 

From month 8

 

In 4 hours I have to talk to the rudest person I know and I am dreading every moment until that time.

 

I am trying to keep myself calm and hoping beyond hope that I walk away feeling better not worse as I am on the edge of quitting as things stand but I really want to make it for the stability it will give us

 

 

 

 

 

Through the bad days so much positive progress is being made, in some ways that makes it bearable and in others its worse. If I was completely failing just giving up and moving on would be so much easier.

By absorbing the pain and putting 110% into making it a positive and impactful work I am making huge strides in the positive direction, those externally see the work required and that we are moving full steam towards the goal, with me happily at the helm. But inside I am dying. The challenges while lessening remain great, the sense that I cannot control the outcome grows.

About a month ago I went on a wonderful Central American vacation that has left me wanting to re-configure my life so that I can spend more time traveling and socially connected.  I know deep down that another year in this life is needed. I have grown so much in the past 15 months that another 12 will make me unrecognizable to the person I was. I just need to find a way to keep the passion on fire.

I do not have a solution, more wanted to post to be a gage marker for myself and perhaps find a reader who is fighting a similar fight and hearing yourself in a stranger can provide you with some relief. 

Things I am trying to get the flame burning bright

-          More Sleep

-          More Coffee – the fancy kind

-          More trips to see loved ones

-          More massage appointments

-          More yoga

 

To my future self and to the occasional reader I leave you with this quote from Leroy Hood

 

Pen and paper journaling

I wake up in the morning feeling as if I am supposed to change the world, make a difference, all the cliché about having a positive impact. And I really feel/ think that. I know I do good things, that in my life I have made a positive impact on thousands of people, helped a handful of natural spaces and made a difference for a few furry friends. Every day I go to work and try to make my community a better place, but its not enough. I am not making a big enough impact. 

I am riddled with common challenges, feeling as if my potential is going un recognised, days that I am burnt out, days I worry about money, times I just want to give up and give into normalcy (or go live in the woods, or become a farmer or a builder or, or,or).

Time and time again I debate with myself about how I get from small impact to doing something that dramatically changes the course for centuries to come. Its not the fame or recognition or riches that I am looking for it is the feeling that I have fulfilled this mission, this purpose that pulls at me and I need to follow.

Someone Is Going To Die Out On The Roads Up Here . . .

Posted on December 29, 2011 by Jim Fuglie

Somehow, yesterday, when I posted my Weekenders report on this blog, I missed the second half of an e-mail sent to me by a Williston friend. I feel badly, because the most poignant parts were missing. So I’m going to reprint his e-mail in its entirety today. Here it is. There’s nothing I could add to this that would make his point any more effectively.

Here is the problem—-far too many things do not get reported.  We hear of all these sexual assaults but never read a word about it.  People know it is happening.  Talk to any person that works at social services about what they now see happening in the community.  Never a word is printed.  All of the assaults and fights with injuries—old news that is not worth printing anymore.  Fights every weekend at bars that require medical services.  A huge number of “hit and runs” HUGE number, Huge.  Never a word. 

Out of state license plates are everywhere.  Drive through any apartment parking lot and it is all out of state.  My neighbors still have WA plates after 15 months—and those are expired.  A huge percentage of workers that can’t pass a drug test with one company, but are hired by another. There are a lot of people that believe the city wants a lot of things kept quiet as to not alarm people, but also not to let too many negative things out there.  We all know many of our “city fathers” and local politicians are making a ton of money as long as this continues.

Then there are the everyday issues.  Try to get any type of medical treatment. Hope you do not have an accident because the body shops are 2 to 3 months out. Oil change, a couple weeks wait.  Motel rooms are non-existent.  Families that have some sort of tragedy and have relatives come, no place for them to stay—makes for a pleasant experience when they have to pile in a relative’s house and sleep on the floor the night before a funeral.  Day to day life is like no place else.   We sure are glad our state has a surplus. 

I would like to see our state politicians come to Williston on their own dime, find their own lodging, need some medical care, and have a car problem.  Not be shuttled around by the mayor and council.  Oh, and when they are driving they can see the nasty looking mancamps, the disgusting disregard for how our landscape has been trashed, trucks everywhere, the 350 vehicles they will meet between Alexander and Williston which is 24 miles.  We never see a deer or pheasant anymore.  Stories from drivers that have a contest to see just how many deer they can hit. Destroyed roads.  The land has been destroyed–it is not the scenic place it has been for ages.  Sad. 

Worst of all, snow today and tomorrow, which means someone is going to die out on the roads up here.

Wish this kind of stuff would make the Herald but do not expect that to happen.  Surplus is good for some, but the impact sure is expensive.  

Finding those voices more inline with my own ... http://theprairieblog.areavoices.com/2011/12/29/someone-is-going-to-die-out-on-the-roads-up-here/