It’s been just about 15 months since my husband and I decided to chase my
dream, to see how far I can push myself and along the way how much of a
positive impact I can make.
I’m not going to lie, it’s been a true roller-coaster. Today I am on day 3
of a long holiday weekend and I feel as burnt out as I have ever felt. I am
starting to wonder if I might be slipping into a burnout fueled depression. And
it’s really no surprise that I am so burnt out, I went into my blog today and
in my drafts found halfhearted starts at entries while I was trying to sort out
what was going on.
From month 7
This has been one of the more
terrible weeks of my life.
No one that I know died, but our
health has been poor (I write this from the emergency department waiting room).
My dream job has become a nightmare
and I am not sure how to move beyond it or even if I want too.
Two weeks ago we were facing the
possibility that Ian might not ever be able to work due to a unusual spinal
complication.
Now all I want to do is spend a
month taking naps and reading books before starting a new less stressful job in
Portland. But the journey from here to there is very unclear and our once wise
and responsible choices have me now feeling trapped in a job I am deeply distaining
in a community that I feel isolated with a silver lining torn to shreds. The
husband I love is stuck in a vicious cycle of illness and our beautiful home is
financially strapping me to having a somewhat well-paying job.
To make things worse I think I now
have the flu and my drive and capacity to care or make strategic moves is all
but gone. I spent the vast majority of my day watching fuller house and wishing
I had a super-rich sister or friend I could live with until I had things
figured out.
From month 8
In 4 hours I have to talk to the rudest person I know and I am dreading
every moment until that time.
I am trying to keep myself calm and hoping beyond hope that I walk away
feeling better not worse as I am on the edge of quitting as things stand but I
really want to make it for the stability it will give us
Through the bad days so much positive progress is being
made, in some ways that makes it bearable and in others its worse. If I was completely
failing just giving up and moving on would be so much easier.
By absorbing the pain and putting 110% into making it a
positive and impactful work I am making huge strides in the positive direction,
those externally see the work required and that we are moving full steam
towards the goal, with me happily at the helm. But inside I am dying. The
challenges while lessening remain great, the sense that I cannot control the
outcome grows.
About a month ago I went on a wonderful Central American vacation
that has left me wanting to re-configure my life so that I can spend more time
traveling and socially connected. I know
deep down that another year in this life is needed. I have grown so much in the
past 15 months that another 12 will make me unrecognizable to the person I was.
I just need to find a way to keep the passion on fire.
I do not have a solution, more wanted to post to be a gage
marker for myself and perhaps find a reader who is fighting a similar fight and
hearing yourself in a stranger can provide you with some relief.
Things I am trying to get the flame burning bright
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More Sleep
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More Coffee – the fancy kind
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More trips to see loved ones
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More massage appointments
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More yoga
To my future self and to the occasional reader I leave you
with this quote from Leroy Hood
