Tuesday, April 10, 2018

An open narrative about rejection

I saw the opportunity and thought how amazing would that be. I might as well try because what can it hurt?

I got an e-mail, they would like to talk. My heart fluttered, I might be someone they would be interested in. We talk, its normal. My hope begins to climb, its a slow start up to the overlook of what could be. Anticipation for much too long. My mind begins to reason with my legs. "Legs stop climbing" my mind says. My legs slow but are still climbing.

Another e-mail, they liked what they heard and want to conduct a first interview. I do a few cartwheels towards that overlook and my legs resume normal pace. My mind jumps in and begins to think about all the logistics, I look down and see how much progress I have made towards that overlook. SLOW DOWN, my mind  instructs. I am easily not the most qualified. I prep, I pace, we talk. Critical reflection for much too long. My legs stop my mind questions so many things I did wrong. But, maybe, it might be my opportunity and my legs begin inching me along. My phone rings, they would like to meet me on Skype.

A jump, a jog, I create a 5 tab plan for the Skype interview through my first 90 days. I begin to look at rooms for rent, I can see the overlook, its close, I could sit there for a few moments and be part of it. My head chimes in a few times a day, remember you could easily not be the one. So my brain plans that its a 50/50, my legs do slow but continue moving at a chipper pace.

It happens we see each other virtually. I am well prepared, things go well. I am not a great judge of self performance. three days of replay. My heat decides that were going full force towards the overlook. My mind has a hard time convincing even its self.

A call, this could be it. Were calling this a failed search and will be position again. I trip and begin to roll off the overlooks cliff. I am grabbing at grass, save face, be gracious, get the feedback, say things that will make them like you even though this went poorly.  And as i fall off my brain is working to save my heart.

The answer: me